Personally, I have seen my fair share of cheaters, (fortunately) from the perspective of being the other woman. I wanted to write some things about cheating, and some ethical questions that arise with the presence of adulterous affairs.
What defines a cheater?
I have to say that nothing, really. Often, when thinking of a typical cheater, we get the idea of a standard “bad guy” with good looks and an obnoxious attitude. In reality, my cheaters have been anything from serial pathological cheaters to innocent good guys. To provoke people a little, I have to generalise one group: athletes do cheat – very openly I have to say – when travelling and they cover for each other.
What to think of the First Woman
It is tricky to deal with the presence of the actual girlfriend or wife, especially when you know them. You should feel guilty about betraying another woman, even if they are not your friends.
The sad thing is that in most cases of cheating, the women end up being the ones to blame. Even more, paradoxically the girlfriend often ends up being the topic of discussions. Why did she not see what was going on? How come she refused to see this? She’s a fool for being with a guy like that. He must have been unhappy in the relationship anyway.
If you end up being the one mixed up in someone else’s relationship, at least take the high road regarding the First Woman. Never blame her, not even if he does it. Do not think she is a fool for not noticing the affair or not dealing with it. You are in deep enough already when you are sleeping with the guy, do not make it any worse by getting involved in the relationship they have with each other.
Who is to blame? You, for being the third wheel, not to mention if you have done it knowingly? The First Woman, for allowing this to happen?
Of course, if you are knowingly having an affair or even a one-night stand with someone in a relationship, you are to be blamed. Do not dodge it, you have to be aware of the possible consequences of your actions. If you get caught, and you have known what you have been involved in, you cannot explain your way out of it.
However, the guiltiest party is the Cheater. He knows the situation the best. He is the one who did not break up the unsatisfying relationship before going for others. He is the one who made the choice of betraying someone he should respect. Whatever the reasons, nothing really justifies cheating in a relationship where both parties have agreed to remain monogamous.
Never ever blame the First Woman.
Why do I do it?
As you can see, I do despise cheating and being the Other Woman quite a lot. Nevertheless, I have been involved with Cheaters and currently I am having a longer lasting affair with someone who has got a girlfriend. Why?
In my case, I think the most important reason is my fear of commitment. With Cheaters, you rarely have to deal with them wanting to start a relationship with you. And even if they come up with this idea, you can always justify not wanting anything with their history of cheating. Ruthless, but easy.
The second point on my list is the secrecy. Not only that it is exciting, but also, you can be rather sure that the Cheater will not brag to his mates about you. It will be a low-profile thing (unless it is exposed and shit hits the fan), and no one is talking about what a slut you are.
The third reason is related to secrecy as well. It is fun to sneak around, send dirty texts and meet up in remote places. You have your own diry little secret and it gives you power over another person. Note though that even when you do have the power to take someone down, only enjoy the fact of having that power, do not abuse it.
Lastly, I want to mention the paradoxical fact of the high threshold to being caught. People have the tendency to wanting to believe the best of others. If you leave with a guy who has got a girlfriend waiting at home, the witnesses would rather believe that he is only making sure you get home safely. If you get caught in action, not many people want to get involved in the mess and keep quiet about it. Of course, it can go down bad if you are too careless, but it’s astonishing what you can get away with.
In conclusion, DO NOT DO IT
This turned out to be a nasty post. In a way, it looks like I am promoting the role of the Other Woman and giving tips to girls out there on how to do it. Honestly, don’t. It is not fair to anyone: not to the First Woman and the least to yourself. Be honest to yourself about what you are getting mixed up in and get out early, preferrably before it even starts.
I am knee deep in this blood already, I am addicted to the dishonesty and refuse to recognise the risks. In little peaks, it gives me euphoria, but I am fairly certain that the stress will catch up with me in the long run. I am afraid that this is my strong drug.