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All the Fucks I Give

Confessions of a sinful girl

Killers

I have met two of them, to my knowledge. Men who have killed.

One was a former thug from Europe, hung out in gangs from the age of 13. He had fought, he had done drugs, and apparently been involved in someone’s death. I do not know and did not wish to know the specifics, but I had accepted his past. The alarm bells rang loud and clear, but I was falling for this one. Fell out of it pretty quickly as well when I saw what a wreck of a person he was.

The other one had been a soldier for 7 years. He seemed calm and strong and he was the most beautiful man I have ever seen. Think Michelangelo’s statues. He was in terms with what he had done and he spoke about it openly.

What I’ve noticed about these men was the immense coldness. It was not cruelty, not seriousness, it’s this sort of emptiness. With the soldier, it radiated from his eyes. Or, to be precise, it was the major lack of anything radiating form his eyes. His eyes were beautiful, black, and empty. The thug, he was suspicious of everyone and was capable of suddenly sinking to an absolute lack of empathy with any person.

All in all, they were normal people, if you can call anyone normal. You could not really tell what was in their background. They had their faults, their weaknesses, as anyone, and they were working, social and living their lives as anyone else.

I accepted their history rather quickly. I never really though of it twice. That those hands that were touching me had been responsible for someone losing their life. I thought of it quite a lot, and never reached a point where I would judge them or even feel repelled by the facts in their past.

Death, after all, is such a huge and such tiny thing in life. It is the absolute end of a life as we know it, but it is inevitable. Maybe it is  so incomprehensible anyway, that instead of being scared of someone who has taken a life, I choose to be OK with it and judge the person by the things I can comprehend.

 

 

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What Your Mama Gave You

The female body is beautiful. It’s more sensual than the male body with its curves and the recogniseable silhouette. There’s more to hide thus more to show, and it can be easily used as a tool for merchandise. People like it, and people are afraid of the potential power the female figure possesses.

Claim it

What society loves to do is dictate the impossible rules the female body has to fulfill. Skinny, chubby, double-D, Kim K butt, it’s either too small or too big. Show it too much and you are a world-class slut, hide it and you are either oppressed or a prude. Fuck it, you can do whatever you want with your body.

You should be allowed to be proud of what you have. Also, you are equally allowed to try and improve yourself. There is no one but you who has the right to tell you to change, and no one else but you who can forbid changes. Whether it is accepting the person you see when you look into a mirror or doing 900 squats a week or even going under a knife. You are going to live a lifetime in your skin, better have it comfortable enough.

Love it

Like, seriously, you have got boobs. And a butt. Softer skin, mystery in your eyes, well-shaped lips, whatever it is, love it. All of us can find that little something in ourselves that we can base our self-confidence on.

Do not let it only be that one thing. Let it grow, and embrace the body you have got, dress it up, play with it. Enjoy the feeling you get when you put on clothes that flatter your figure and walk out the door, or when you do your make-up just right. We have got the right to feel good: we have dresses, colours, hairdos, high heels and multiple orgasms.

Shake it

You have got something others desire. Women always want something other women have. Men, well, men want women, fulls top.

Your body is an object, something to admire, something to lust for. There is nothing wrong with admitting the potential your gender is giving you. We live in a sexist society which is unlikely to change anyday soon, so use it to your advantage. Men have physical power and they have an innate credibility. Women, we have sexuality above all.

Using your sexuality does not mean you have to be a bimbo blonde with big boobs (allitteration for the win!). It does not automatically mean short skirts and tops that leave nothing to imagination. Feel free to do it, if you feel comfortable with it, sure. But it can be more subtle. It is accepting the power you have in your hands, and knowing how to use it.

Objectify to your advantage

There is a lot of ongoing talk about objectifying women (and men, sure), and nearly with no exceptions this is viewed as a negative phenomenon. Yes, it is degrading, as long as it is used against women. You can turn it to your advantage, just grab it and embrace it. You objectify it first, you claim the right to speak about your body any way you want and you can be sure that the chauvinist remarks and attitudes lose their sting pretty quickly.

Be light about it, there is nothing you could not disarm with a hint of humour and sarcasm.

Ladies, you’ve got a gift. Don’t let it go to waste.

 

 

The Boss Syndrome

What is it about men in power? During the past years, I have noticed that I am drawn to them. It is not about money, no physical appeal, there is something about men who are superior to me that really ticks a box.

The first one was someone while I was still studying. He was experienced and witty and taught me a lot. He took me under his wings and did not let me off easy, I had to prove I knew the field. He was far from handsome: a middle-aged man with mild overweight. Still, one morning I woke up next to my boyfriend of the time with a memory of a wild sex dream about this man. Since then, I notice that his name triggers something in me, and I am extremely fond of him.

The second one was from the same field. I was an intern and he was my boss. He was somewhat handsome, and I had heard he gets the most beautiful results in his job that people have ever seen. He was charming, in his teasing way and sometimes he came up with remarks that made me tick. He hinted that he wanted me.

It went on for long, we kept messaging each other even though I was not in the same town. I kept telling him it was inappropriate because I am his subordinate and he told me not to worry about it because at that moment I did not work there. We were only two people chatting. I broke it off, when I weighed the possible outcomes and decided that it could completely ruin my career.

Nothing happened with neither of them, but even the memory of having had these two men near me gets me excited.

The third one, it happened by accident. He was my peer, someone in a relationship that I had an affair with. Later, it turned out that he will later on be my boss. It freaked me out and turned me on.

What is it about bosses, really?

Did I want something from them? When I think about it, honestly I would say no. I have never had to encounter a situation so far thet I would have to sleep myself into an advanced position. On the contrary, really. If my relationship, no matter it was Platonic to the second man got out, it might have made it more difficult for me to get ahead. Word gets around in these circles.

It is the power they have over you. It is the professional admiration and their excellence in what they do. It is the inappropriate aspect of the whole relationship. It is truly invigorating.

 

 

Being The Other Woman

Personally, I have seen my fair share of cheaters, (fortunately) from the perspective of being the other woman. I wanted to write some things about cheating, and some ethical questions that arise with the presence of adulterous affairs.

What defines a cheater?

I have to say that nothing, really. Often, when thinking of a typical cheater, we get the idea of a standard “bad guy” with good looks and an obnoxious attitude. In reality, my cheaters have been anything from serial pathological cheaters to innocent good guys. To provoke people a little, I have to generalise one group: athletes do cheat – very openly I have to say – when travelling and they cover for each other.

What to think of the First Woman

It is tricky to deal with the presence of the actual girlfriend or wife, especially when you know them. You should feel guilty about betraying another woman, even if they are not your friends.

The sad thing is that in most cases of cheating, the women end up being the ones to blame. Even more, paradoxically the girlfriend often ends up being the topic of discussions. Why did she not see what was going on? How come she refused to see this? She’s a fool for being with a guy like that. He must have been unhappy in the relationship anyway.

If you end up being the one mixed up in someone else’s relationship, at least take the high road regarding the First Woman. Never blame her, not even if he does it. Do not think she is a fool for not noticing the affair or not dealing with it. You are in deep enough already when you are sleeping with the guy, do not make it any worse by getting involved in the relationship they have with each other.

Guilt

Who is to blame? You, for being the third wheel, not to mention if you have done it knowingly? The First Woman, for allowing this to happen?

Of course, if you are knowingly having an affair or even a one-night stand with someone in a relationship, you are to be blamed. Do not dodge it, you have to be aware of the possible consequences of your actions. If you get caught, and you have known what you have been involved in, you cannot explain your way out of it.

However, the guiltiest party is the Cheater. He knows the situation the best. He is the one who did not break up the unsatisfying relationship before going for others. He is the one who made the choice of betraying someone he should respect. Whatever the reasons, nothing really justifies cheating in a relationship where both parties have agreed to remain monogamous.

Never ever blame the First Woman.

Why do I do it?

As you can see, I do despise cheating and being the Other Woman quite a lot. Nevertheless, I have been involved with Cheaters and currently I am having a longer lasting affair with someone who has got a girlfriend. Why?

In my case, I think the most important reason is my fear of commitment. With Cheaters, you rarely have to deal with them wanting to start a relationship with you. And even if they come up with this idea, you can always justify not wanting anything with their history of cheating. Ruthless, but easy.

The second point on my list is the secrecy. Not only that it is exciting, but also, you can be rather sure that the Cheater will not brag to his mates about you. It will be a low-profile thing (unless it is exposed and shit hits the fan), and no one is talking about what a slut you are.

The third reason is related to secrecy as well. It is fun to sneak around, send dirty texts and meet up in remote places. You have your own diry little secret and it gives you power over another person. Note though that even when you do have the power to take someone down, only enjoy the fact of having that power, do not abuse it.

Lastly, I want to mention the paradoxical fact of the high threshold to being caught. People have the tendency to wanting to believe the best of others. If you leave with a guy who has got a girlfriend waiting at home, the witnesses would rather believe that he is only making sure you get home safely. If you get caught in action, not many people want to get involved in the mess and keep quiet about it. Of course, it can go down bad if you are too careless, but it’s astonishing what you can get away with.

In conclusion, DO NOT DO IT

This turned out to be a nasty post. In a way, it looks like I am promoting the role of the Other Woman and giving tips to girls out there on how to do it. Honestly, don’t. It is not fair to anyone: not to the First Woman and the least to yourself. Be honest to yourself about what you are getting mixed up in and get out early, preferrably before it even starts.

I am knee deep in this blood already, I am addicted to the dishonesty and refuse to recognise the risks. In little peaks, it gives me euphoria, but I am fairly certain that the stress will catch up with me in the long run. I am afraid that this is my strong drug.

 

 

Cheaters: The Good Guy

He was brilliantly handsome, liked by everyone, loyal to his girlfriend of six years. He told me in the beginning that he does not intend to cheat. He kept asking me out regardless: on bike tours, a few drinks, dinners and kept telling me that he would feel uncomfortable if his girlfriend knew he was hanging out with me. Nothing ever happened for six months besides these hangouts.

Eventually he told me he loved me and he would leave his girlfriend for me if I was ready to commit to him. He looked me directly in the eyes and told me that if he got his way, we would finish our drinks, head beck to my place, have mindblowing sex all night and go to work next morning tired af.

He said he could never cheat. I told him that what he had been doing for months, even though not even kisses were shared, qualified as cheating. In his viewpoint, only sex was cheating.

One night we got drunk at a party we had arranged together and he walked me home. I asked if he wanted to come upstairs and he did. The sex, after all that build-up was a major disappointment, a drunk hassle where neither of us really knew what to do.

He never told anyone, not even his closest friend who confronted him directly about it. I left to travel the world as I had intended and he proposed to his girlfriend.

One time mistake?

Yes, even the good guys cheat. I try and be optimistic and want to believe that with these guys feel guilty about it and never repeat the mistake. On the other hand, it could only be a booster for a serial-cheater’s career. They see that they don’t get caught and they can and will do it again. And again.

What is cheating?

I have been entertaining this question a lot during the months of this affair. Is a drunken shag really the dealbreaker in a relationship? Or is it the months’ worth of lying, playing with the idea of another relationship, but never even touching that Other Woman?

Maybe it is specific to the relationship in question. Maybe cheating is what you would recognise hurting your significant other. It is a tricky combination with emotions and physical relations, where does the line lie that defines what kinds of things only belong in a monogamous relationship?

The One-Night Stand

A generalisation of all those poor souls I have dragged home and kicked out in the morning, who I have cuddled and brewed coffee for. Those whose names I do not remember or whose numbers I did not get or have thrown out. To be fair, I do like one-night stands, I like the thrill of the pick up.

I have heard countless times that a one-night stand is nothing compared to a long-term partner who you know inside and out. True, partly. The whole point in hooking up on a once-in-a-lifetime basis is the excitement that comes with a new partner. Frankly, out of all of my one-night stands, only about 1% has been on the level of “meh” or worse. In general, my hook-ups have been more than satisfying. Here you go ladies, here’s my formula:

 

You only need sex

From what I have noticed, the key attribute to a successful one-night stand is his looks and his looks only. You do not want to know them; and honestly, the best looking ones are not even worth getting aquainted with.

If you want a good fuck, admit it. Do not fool aroung playing hard to get or ladylike. If you want sex, choose a partner to satisfy that need.

 

Pick out your options early enough

If you’re at a bar or a club or anywhere with alcohol, decide on the prospective partners early enough and do not go home with anyone else later when you’re drunk. Choose when you’re relatively sober so you can be happy with your choice even with your earth-shattering hangover.

 

You go pick up the one you want

For christ’s sake do not sit at the bar all “sexy sipping this cocktail of mine” pouting your lips and waiting for a charmer to come pick you up and offer you a drink. That way you’ll only end up with an over-excited little guy way below your league or a total cunt who will get what he needs and leave you with nothing but maybe a scare of pregnancy.

Go and pick the guy you want. Open the conversation, move closer, be funny, and be obvious enough about what you want. They will come with you the second you tell them that it’s time to head home.

 

Do not expect anything more

One-night stands are not for everyone, sure thing. Some people want commitment and romance and are not happy with the simple physical aspect of intimacy, that is fair enough.

Be honest with yourself: if you expect even the least bit more than simple sex, pass on it please. Nothing ruins the memory of an awesome night than a broken heart and the feeling of having been used afterward.

 

 

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